This is not what I'm supposed to be doing right now...but there's too much going on in my head right now (one for the reasons that restful sleep is elusive right now).
The next two sections of this 'Part 2' were 'How am I doing?' and 'The Future'.
I think that common behaviours/feelings that those here feel include:
PEACE - In spite of what we hear and see, we have a sense of peace about being here right now. Part of that is familiarity with the new rhythm of life here...you don't really hear the shooting anymore. But mainly it is God's grace and the gifts He's given us to be able to operate in this environment. We are not, and will not be, reckless...but we are a long way from feeling the need to leave.
DETERMINATION - We have been able to stay and there is still much that must be done. We are few, but we are determined to make staying count for something. Determined to find creative ways to overcome new perils or obstacles. Determined to do what we can reduce the damage. Determined not to give up hope.
But both of these are at danger of being overwhelmed by two other insidious feelings/behaviours:
NAUSEA - When we consider the situation we feel physically sick. Less so for how things are right now, but for the, as yet, unseen consequences of this crisis. The significant one being the economic impact. Loss of funding and disruption/cessation of trading will have a crippling effect on all organisations. Most will have been paid for in April, so the impact will have been inconvenient. But many will not receive income for May and, in June, this will bite even deeper. And not just for those here, but also the 'middle class' refugees killing time in Kigali and Kampala. What happens when people can't feed themselves?
DRIFTING - The erosion (I won't say loss) of structure, certainty and hope create this drifting behaviour. An emotional quagmire that makes getting anything done feel almost impossible. This is where the determination comes into play, but often this lifts productivity to 60% at best.
I think we're all aware of these behaviours and, for me, writing about it helps me to accept and understand it...and, hopefully, manage it.
And where's God in all of this? Our unshakable hope in the sovereign Lord? Those living 'in the field' are generally, I would say, capable achievers and copers. Consequently we rely on our own gifts, skills and talents more than we would care to admit. So when these become ineffectual are we more lost? Do we analyse more that we pray? Do we seek to understand more than trust? Do we try and 'do' more rather than hand it over? Do we plan for a set of alternative futures rather than have hope?
If we're not careful we cease to inspire and witness; instead becoming a pretty depressing bunch of Christians. Martyrs to our circumstances.
HOW AM I DOING?
OK...I think. Two friends, Rachel and Simon, have moved in...creating and unlikely, but effective trio. Though if you read Simon's 'Naked Preacher' blog you'll know why I lock my bedroom door at night! And Allie's been amazingly supportive. Thank God for Skype.
Life goes on and we find new joys in our routine here; but I am exhausted by the thought of how hard our next chapter might be and would appreciate personal prayer for the following:
- Peace about options for the family in September. Will we or can we be apart again?
- Coping with the increased financial strain (especially providing for my workers and security guards for the summer (which has to be ready in 4 weeks) and all our usual summer costs). The costs of a split family and increased security cost have eaten into summer savnigs.
- Our house (the $1,000 monthly was being paid by the school...when will it be paid again?)
- Planning for the future. What will happen with the school? Will it be safe? Will people come back? Will people be able to afford fees? What about the huge debts? What about the education for the students from the two orphanages? What about discipling and educating the next generation of leaders?
- Balancing the need to rest and keep on top of things over the summer
- Wellness and safety during the next month
But please also give thanks for:
- The ability to cope with the new normals (gunfire, explosions, roadblocks, tear gas and disruption)
- Friends
- The satisfaction of continuing to serve and support others
- The opportunity to grow in my faith
- For those faithfully supporting me
- Our safety
- The Lord's provision
- Desert Island Disks (my safe place)
- How well my family is doing in the UK
- The lock on my bedroom door
Thank you so much for all your prayers and support...not just for me, but also for Allie, Andrew, Becky, Harry, Caspar and Felicity. We feel loved and cherished.
God Bless,
Jez
